


ikigai

by Newtblythe



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Gore, Canonical Character Death (mentioned), Coma, Everyone Needs A Hug, Flashbacks, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt Number Five | The Boy, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Implied Sexual Content, Major Character Injury, No Incest, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy Whump, Number Five | The Boy has PTSD, Number Five | The Boy-centric, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Siblings, Suicidal Thoughts, Trauma, no beta we die like ben
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:22:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29002167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Newtblythe/pseuds/Newtblythe
Summary: ikigaiee-kee-gahynoun1. one’s reason for being, which in principle is the convergence of one’s personal passions, beliefs, values, and vocation: those who follow the concept of ikigai undertake the activities of their life with willingness and a satisfying sense of meaning.---Five thought it was finally over, that they would be able to rest without the apocalypse on their heels.He was wrong.Instead they landed on an alternate universe in which they got replaced by their own father.And as if things couldn't get worse, turns out time travelling back to save his idiotic siblings has side effects, ones that make him black out inmediatly in the academy, leaving him unable to help his siblings.Once again Five has to go back to them.So The Hargreeves help him, even though they have no clue what's wrong with their brother.
Relationships: Dolores/Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), Number Five | The Boy & Allison Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Diego Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Klaus Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Luther Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & The Hargreeves (Umbrella Academy), Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves
Comments: 45
Kudos: 143





	1. epiphany

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Edgelord69](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Edgelord69/gifts), [pjiminiie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pjiminiie/gifts).



> This is just pure whump and trauma. I apologize in advance.

_epiphany_

_e-piph-a-ny_

_noun_

_1\. a moment when you suddenly feel that you understand, or suddenly become conscious of, something that is very important to you_

_\---_

It had happened again.

He had screwed everything up. It seemed like that happened a lot lately.

Only this time it was worse.

He had brought his family to what he thought was going to be their safe 2019, a day after the apocalypse. He fooly thought that once they came back, that they would have time to settle up and carry on with their lives without the weight of having to save the world from an almost unstoppable apocalypse. The one he had been stuck on so long. The only company being the love of his life, one that even though he left behind, would always carry on in his heart. But even that wasn’t enough. Daydreams of saving the apocalypse and to be back home invaded his mind as a comfort to him.

Of course nothing went as he planned, his body not being the one he was used to, weaker and smaller. But he had managed. Slowly he had gathered his family, putting them in danger on the road and even almost losing some of them. Only for the world to be destroyed, anyway. His only thought was to save them, that had been his purpose the whole time in the apocalypse after all, he hated how much he worried about them; it was almost like a weakness. He did what he thought was right; he had saved them and taken them to the 60s. Only to see their bodies being consumed by an explosion, having no choice but to stand by and see how it played out, like a noise repellent glass. Not being the best place for them, but at least they were safe. He knew they blamed him, they never tired of saying it to him, and how they were better before he came into the time. They were right deep inside. He kept telling himself that they had a shitty time and they as always had to blame something or someone, so he pushed it aside as much as he could, his apology being like an empty glass.

So when they stopped the other fucking apocalypse it came as a relief to him, all he had to do now was to bring them home, they could finally rest, and live their lives as before. He could finally grow up properly. To learn what it was like to be with a family, to slowly get involved into their lives, their stories.

But of course none of that could happen.

Instead, they stared at the so-called Sparrow Academy.

Five almost laughed.

Almost.

As he stared at their presumably dead brother, his thoughts seemed to fall. The glass he had been holding on to protect himself, on the edge of crumbling into pieces, the rain, no… the storm of his thought hitting on it too hard, creating a spiderweb on the glass. Making it impossible for him to fix it again soon, on the other hand, he had to get them out.

He hadn’t been there for Ben. When he read it in Vanya’s book, his heart broke. Knowing that even if he came back, he wouldn’t be able to save the little brother that had been so scared of using his powers, being the ones that at the end exterminated him. The little kid that loved to read books around him, and one of the few ones he felt close to as a child. They could be in a complete silence reading books and still enjoy the company. He had failed Ben and now he had failed the rest of them, taking them to a place in which they didn’t belong, their father too cold-hearted to even care about their existence, to replace all of them instead of trying to become a better person, a better father. He truly didn’t know what he was expecting from him, is not like he cared about them. The old man only cared about their powers.

Five analyzed the surroundings of the room, looking for something that could work for as a weapon, not caring about the way the other six figures, including a fucking cube out of all things were staring at them, waiting eagerly for their fathers’ orders. His mind worked at the speed of a machine, just as it always had. It couldn’t stop now, nor soon. He knew that if it stopped even for a second, it would be a long time until he regained the same speed as before, so he pulled through, without even realizing he was staining the glass. He needed to find something before any of his sibling’s blood spilled.

He hadn’t even paid attention to what their father was saying, probably something about how they were a disappointment, or something to distract his siblings from the other individuals, even though he could only see their shadows. He noticed how Klaus was just like him, but instead of being alert for some sort of alert, he was looking at Ben, the ghost of their long gone brother plastered at the face of a stranger. Klaus’ eyes reflecting what he thought was pain. Five was not the best at feelings, people in general. One con of being alone for 45 years. The boy thought of them as another species, ones that needed more attention, more affection, he thought of that as a weakness; he understood his siblings were like normal human beings, more needy, but no matter how hard he tried to understand their feelings, or even comfort them, he only understood a scratch of their deep hearts. Five knew he didn’t understand emotions, not even the ones of his own. So he pushed them down and moved on, like a machine who only had one job in mind, one that he had to complete without rest.

“Five?”

He noticed that everyone had gone quiet. When did that happen? Even in the 2 weeks that he had been with his siblings, he was still used to the silence, only the whisper of the wind that came with ashes being the sound that walked on his head gently. He hated how gently it was. The silence scared him, since it had been his partner for so long, hand in hand.

He looked and even glared at the sight their siblings had. Their eyebrows meeting on their forehead, their eyes drowning in worry. He knew they wouldn’t take it well when they found the Sparrow Academy. He imagined they were going to blame him again, and they had the right too. Even if it wasn’t his intention.

Five looked around, the room was too quiet. Everyone was staring at him. What the hell was happening? Had the handler come from him? No one was moving. It didn’t even look like they were breathing.

He tried to move towards Klaus, being the closest one to him. Instead, his feet weren’t responding. When he looked down to see his legs, he felt the familiar metallic taste on his mouth that was just there hours ago in that goddamn farm.

What the fuck?

“...happened?”

“Fuck..!”

He recognized the voices of his family. The problem was that their mouths weren’t moving; the voices sounded so distant. Was he even there? Was he dreaming all this?

His eyes were begging him to close them, to let them rest for at least 5 minutes. But he forced them open, he wanted to go for the echoes of his family, realities and dreams were blending. He realized that there was something on his back, his body not quite feeling like itself too, as if he was a ghost.

He closed his eyes, squinting to make sure he found himself in the right place, to see what was really happening.

He opened his eyes.

Chaos was happening.

When did he fall? When did they all start to fight?

Five found out his body was laying down, some legs being used as a pillow. Someone’s hands holding his shoulders, shaking a little. Drowning screams and grunts echoing along with the annoying ringing in his ears. His breaths were coming shortly. He felt something wet coming out of his mouth. He guessed it was blood, judging by the metallic taste.

It felt like at the barn once again.

Were his powers just against him?

In the blurring of his vision and the blinding lights on top of him that made his headache worse, he saw a head looking down at him.

“Hey, Fivey. Nice to see that you joined the family gathering.” That was definitely Klaus, accompanied with a sigh of relief.

He tried to speak, to ask him if everyone was ok, they all had just come from a fight, they were probably exhausted. Leaving them no time to rest after it. Instead, what came out of his mouth was more blood and a coughing fit, the air trying to escape out of him, his lungs expanding, looking for oxygen.

“Hey, hey. Don’t talk, it’s ok. Your dear brother Klaus’ has got you. Ok? Now because Diego told me to and he would beat my ass if I didn’t listen to him, we have to get out of here, old man. So you gotta help me, ok?”

He nodded a bit, not knowing how his brother was so calm while their other siblings were getting attacked against people who they had to insight in, the other times they had know their enemy, knowing the basic of their weaknesses and strengths, unlike the swedes, but it hadn’t taken long to learn those, they were trained by The Commission, so they knew what they were going up against. This time it was different, they had powers and knew how to handle them, also raised and trained by their father. They knew how to fight. They were going into the unknown defenseless, their only hope being that they had each other and holding onto that thought that they could take them. Being clueless about the other’s powers.

Fuck, he should be them with them and so should Klaus.

With the little strength he had left, he somehow miraculously managed to stand up, with the help of Klaus of course. He truly watched the scene going in front of him. Klaus had put a table in a corner to keep them out of sight. He guessed he was out when that happened, because the last thing he remembered was staring at Ben, not even the start of the fight. He let go of Klaus, not being used to the warm touch.

He had to think quickly. Their siblings were getting their asses handed to themselves.

A flock of sparrows flew around the room, targeting his family and attacking their heads, like they wanted to skin them to the bone. Allison most of all was the one closest and getting the worst of it, cuts all over her arms, one girl standing by and watching the scene, he imagines it was her who was controlling them. Ben’s monster was on the loose too. The tentacles going in every direction, but unlike their Ben, this one could control them, choking Diego. Vanya was mid air, floating and pale, looking at a long-haired girl who was also flying, a dangerous fire in both of their eyes. Luther on the other hand was trying to fight a fucking flying cube, who was shooting lasers out of nowhere, and besides fighting two other men.

He saw no other option but to fight, grab them and blink them out of the house.

Did he have the energy to? Absolutely fucking not. But it was his best option now, somehow keep them safe, just as always.

His legs swayed as he walked towards them. His head still ached from where the shitty frying pan that Lila had thrown at him. Every part of his body was begging him to stop and to just lay down and let the creeping dark around his corners swallow him whole. The wet liquid falling from his cheek being a warning. He imagined this was a side effect from trying something new with his powers, which he probably shouldn’t have done when he was on the verge of death. Why did his powers always turn on him?

First off, he had to help Diego. He knew he could hold his breath for a long time, but getting choked was different than being underwater. With one colossal piece of glass that was on the floor from a broken vase, he grabbed it and ran it along the tentacle that was holding Diego, making sure to hold it deep enough for it to hurt and let go. A blood road decorating the tentacle on its way. An inhuman screeching came out from Ben’s insides. The arm retracting at the pain and dropping Diego, who held on his throat for dear life while coughing.

He walked to him, now that Ben was distracted trying to regain control from the horror.

“Diego.” He mumbled so he wouldn’t cough up blood.

The man looked at him carefully, still holding his throat. “Five? What-”

“Diego, we have no time ok? I need you to help Allison, I’m taking us out of here.”

“Are you sure you should do that? I mean, I don’t know what happened to you but-”

“I am fine. Now help Allison and another of our siblings that need help.”

Diego nodded, discomfort shown on his face. With no other word, he got up to Allison’s direction.

Five was going in Luther’s direction when something caught the corner of his eye. A woman had creeped behind Klaus and was beating him up. When had he miscounted the sparrows? He was sure he had counted all of them correctly. His head was fuzzy, fog obstructing his way of thinking correctly.

Luther obviously knew how to handle himself better, being used to fighting all his life, but Klaus… Five briefly knew he had fought in the Vietnam war, but it was different there. When they were little on missions, Klaus’ powers weren’t the most useful. Sure he was the lookout, but he had almost no fighting skills, usually by the side watching how their siblings handled everything while he chatted with a ghost that normally was a victim. They had always been good with Klaus not taking place in the big fights. So Five had to make sure he was ok.

He almost ran to Klaus, feeling the murderer adrenaline he despised pumping through his veins.

The woman looked at him with deadly eyes. Seeing his intentions, she grabbed the knife on her hand tighter, ready to cut him in half he assumed, instead what she did surprised him even further. Without warning, she stabbed it on her leg. She hissed but left the knife there, creeping it down even deeper. Five thought he had seen plenty of crazy people, including himself.

As he regained his thoughts, he felt a sharp pain on his leg. He looked down. To his surprise it was bleeding, just like the stab wound of the girl. He paid no attention to it, and teleported to where she was, taking the knife from her and with the handle of it knocking her out.

It was a bad idea to teleport. The nothingness he had on his stomach emptied. The vomit coming out red.

That didn’t look good. Especially when he had little to vomit in the first place.

He turned around to look for Klaus, who had a few cuts but other than that he was ok, his hands were glowing blue, where he watched that a few of the ghosts were helping Luther fight the other two sparrows.

The headache was becoming worse, and because of it the corner of his eyes were turning black rapidly. Suddenly it was getting even harder to breathe, and even to talk out loud, not even managing a whisper as he tried to talk to Klaus.

The figure of Diego and Allison were coming his way. He needed to grab them fast and blink out of there as soon as possible. His eyes searched for the briefcase that he was sure he had left nearby. To his luck, it was nowhere to be found. Fuck, he had to jump with all of them. Luther was also coming their way, screaming something to the air. He guessed it was Vanya, the ringing in his ears making it hard to detect the sounds coming out of his mouth. The surrounding waves had been reduced and were now directing it to the other sparrows, slowly coming to the ground besides them.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, Klaus’ hand was now laying there, he didn’t even flinch at the touch like he normally did. He hasn’t even realized that his eyes closed for a second.

“Where is the briefcase?” Asked Luther now, grabbing Diego’s arm and looking around when he didn’t find it on Five’s hands.

Five didn’t answer. He didn’t have the energy to, and the little he had left had to be for them.

As he checked around him, everyone was already holding onto each other. The only one left was Vanya, who was still holding the sparrows with her energy waves.

“Vanya!” Yelled Allison.

As soon as Vanya touched her hand, Five gathered all the strength he had on himself and blinked his family out of the academy. The blue power protesting against his will, and barely even getting them to jump through it, taking from him.

The pain was too much; the jump was slowly destroying him, cell by cell. Even more blood came out of his mouth. He wanted to give in to the darkness that called him. It would be so easy, so simple.

But he had to keep them safe.

He had already lost them three times, seen their bloodied bodies with images that could never leave his mind, their lifeless corpses lying around. The sinking feeling that he had lost them again, that they were gone and had moved on. While he was left behind.

For once, he wished it was the opposite. He would trade everything to not have to see their dead rotting bodies again. Or even to bury them.

Safe. That word was his only comfort, his only state of mind in the apocalypse. It was like a job he had to do. The only thing that kept him alive, the one thing that got him through those harsh days, the one thing that made him want to wake up every day in the wasteland.

His family.

So he pushed even farther, knowing he was screaming in pain, the screams barely audible to his ears. The pain overtaking him.

The blue around them disappeared.

The machine broke.

And everything turned black.


	2. flaccid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The siblings can't seem to find out what's wrong with Five.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, there's not much action in this chapter, but I promise that in the next one there will be more.

_flaccid_

_flac-cid_

_adjective_

_1\. soft or weak rather than firm_

\---

The rift in the sky opened with difficulty, letting them out quickly and closing just as fast, like it was in a hurry to get out of there. Diego could see why. He had only time travelled a few times, but every time his body ached like someone had beaten him to the pulp. He truly didn’t understand how The Commission agents could do it.

Everyone around him groaned, obviously feeling like shit, just like he did.

He looked around; they were in an alley; it looked surprisingly similar to the one in Dallas, just outside of Elliot’s house. His heart flipped at the thought of the man, remembering the merciless way he was killed, and it was on them, his blood was on their hands, the poor dude had an illusion of what they were, heroes he meant, something extraordinary, when in reality they were just broken people walking on traumatized bodies. Almost like ghosts that were blindly looking for their purpose so they could move on and find the paradise they longed for, the one that had been promised to them, in which they could rest. Reality was often disappointing.

The others were now coming better to their senses, sitting up and complaining. He couldn’t blame them, this time he felt as if the portal was trying to tear them apart, his hands slipping like butter from Klaus’ hands to then out of nowhere be pieced together like a Lego set meant for kids. He wanted to puke all over the place.

“Now that dear Papa has replaced us, what are we supposed to do now?” asked Klaus, looking at his siblings for answers.

Diego truly did not know what to do, it all still was a shock to him. Seeing those strangers living in their house, the old man treating them as if they were the impostors and wanting them out of the house by kicking their asses and saying how they were going to ruin the timeline really wasn’t the welcome to 2019 he expected.

“Maybe I can rumor us into a hotel or something. In the meantime we need to find a place to rest and then think of what we’re going to do.” Allison suggested, taking control of the situation.

For some reason, Allison being the first to indicate what to do somehow bothered him. Not because he didn’t believe in her. It was something else, like a word that is at the tip of your tongue.

“Five?” Asked Vanya’s small concerned voice.

Shit Five.

He quickly turned to look at his smaller-older brother. He hadn’t moved at all since they landed. Diego remembered how bad their brother had looked at the academy, blood trickling down his chin and looking seconds away from passing out, which he had done.

As Reginald talked, it was like he was expecting something to happen, some kind of alarm that would send the Sparrow Academy flying to attack them. That alarm was sent by Five. Just not in the way he had expected. Instead of locking himself on his bloodthirsty suit that had no emotion in his eyes, he collapsed.

The thud sent everything to hell.

By the corner of his eyes he saw how his eyes were open, not totally there, somewhere inside a feverish dream, just as he choked on the blood coming out of his mouth. Diego hated not knowing what was wrong with his siblings, he always wanted to make sure that they knew they could trust them, he wanted the best for them. They were his family after all; he had almost lost them a few times, going through hell and back, he would not lose them now.

Even the little asshole that Five was.

He threw knives at the direction of the sparrows, not making sure if they landed or not because at the moment that wasn’t his key priority. It was his brother. He noticed how Klaus was by Five’s side first, being the one closest to him, shaking him by his shoulders, as if trying to get a response out of him while he checked his body for injuries, a groaning sound coming from Five. Diego did the same and found none. Whatever this was, it came from the inside. The scene before him seemed way too familiar, Allison’s eyes staring at the space behind him, losing their flame of life quickly, like a burnt candle that had been left alone.

He wondered what had happened to him, minutes before he had been fine, even celebrating with them about getting back, looking completely fine. Of course he knew the dick kept everything to himself, Diego had believed that maybe when they got back to 2019 he would start opening more to them, and actually say his concerns out loud, so they could try to help him. Maybe he hoped for too much.

He left him with Klaus, giving him instruction to turn a table in the corner of the room away from their sights, and to stay with Five while they fought these assholes. Thankfully, Klaus actually listened to him and dragged their brother by his arms.

Five then seemed so alive, the adrenaline of the murderer in his cold eyes, the ones that had no regret, no fear, ones that no thirteen-year-old should have, ones of a man that had been living for too much, one goal set in his mind. Blood.

The Boy was now the opposite; he laid on his stomach, his arms blocking his face, that was turned to the side in how Diego could only see his hair. He was still way too still.

He quickly got up to him, ignoring the nausea going up his throat. He needed to check his brother, to see if he was okay, hearing his siblings’ footsteps behind him. He had already scared him enough that time he passed out in Leonard’s attic.

Diego shook his arm. He wasn’t responding, not a whimper or a groan, nothing.

His face was no better. His pale skin still had blood on his lips, making their way down like a tear, the red paint also making itself present on his nose and ears. Just like a cascade. The man held him by the arms, setting him on his lap, limp as a doll. He quickly set two of his fingers on his throat, checking for a pulse, something that gave him a sign that he was alive. The touch was icy.

His heart raced, he felt it on every inch of his body, his hands shaking. Where was the pulse?

“F-f-five?” He stuttered, finding it hard to breathe.

Vanya grabbed Five’s wrist, placing her fingers on it. She closed her eyes and concentrated. Diego looked at her. His hands were shaking so badly, he knew that way it was going to be impossible for him to find the pulse. It reminded him of Eudora, her eyes closed, relaxed, the sleep of a fellow named Death that took everyone without remorse and taking them to a deep dream, one that they both knew she wouldn’t wake up from. When he found her, it was as if it drained all hope out of him. Five’s face was as relaxed as hers. It scared Diego. He normally was jumping all over the place, reminding them how an apocalypse was on their heels, his moves all filled with anxiety as the caffeine took effect on his body. Even as kids, he always thought of himself as superior, taking matters on his own and never learning how to work as a team, like he was his own leader, with his snarky comebacks and remarks. He thought of himself as immortal, which he clearly wasn’t.

“He’s ok.” Vanya explained. “But his pulse is very faint, I think we should take him to the hospital.”

Diego let out a breath, his body immediately relaxed. At least he was still with them. Now there was another worry. What were they supposed to do with him? As much as he wanted to get his help, they were exposed to attacks from the Sparrow Academy. The others needed to be safe, too.

“I agree with Vanya. We can’t just leave him like this, what if there’s something truly wrong with him, internal bleeding maybe?” Allison suggested, concern showing in her eyes.

Diego wanted to cry. Why couldn’t they all be safe and happy for once? His anxiety came crawling to him like that toxic old friend that had finally gotten out of your life, only to come back years later, except that it had truly never left.

Klaus was too quiet for his liking, the poor man staring at their little-older brother with pity and pain in his eyes. He looked over at Diego, who noticed he had unfallen tears in his eyes. They definitely had to help him.

“Ok, Luther g-grab Five. We’ll head to a hospital.” He stated.

Vanya held her finger harder on Five’s wrist, the pulse in there being the one thing that was of comfort now. She looked like she didn’t want to let go of him, just holding his wrist the whole time. Luther looked at Vanya and nodded as in promising Vanya he would be careful with him. She let her fingers fall.

Five never moved as Luther cautiously took him bridal style. He looked even smaller, buried under Luther’s enormous arms. He didn’t even move, his face disappearing through the blue fabric of Luther’s coat. This calmed Diego down. It reminded him of that time they found him drunk, except that that time had been much calmer, and he looked so much cuter and healthier. Diego looked at his siblings. He could tell none of them were enjoying the view either. Even in the couple of weeks they’ve him back, they all knew he wasn’t the same 13-year-old boy they had lost those long 17 years. His face even looked changed, the hopeful mind that the 13-year-old that wanted to test himself as to travel in time, gone, seeing the horrors his powers brought to him, what you wished for wasn’t always what you wanted or what you needed. Guilty overcame to Diego as he remembered how he’d told him he escaped from their father’s abuse, and how he was lucky, truly not thinking as Five’s emotions changed, he became frustrated and Diego swore that the pain locked inside his eyes peered lightly though a veil, only for the door to be shut again when it realized it had escaped.

His absence had been like playing Jenga, when the dumbass player of the game had taken one of the pieces of the bottom, making the tower shake. The death of Ben had been the one that sent everything tumbling down, only that this time it wasn’t rebuilt until later, barely even standing now.

He already missed his comebacks.

“We should get going.” Vanya whispered.

Diego couldn’t agree more.

\---

Vanya didn’t know how to deal well with her anxiety.

Since little she had taken the pills, they did all the work for her, calming her down the moment she took them, and having been used to them her entire life. She knew those pills were to contain her from using her powers, from causing the end of the world. The pills caused her not to worry about anything, suppressing her feelings down. Obviously she knew what concern felt like. But not this worry that caused her a black hole in her heart, one so deep it was almost like a water well. It was filled by water thanks to those pills, and it had gone dry without the pills. At this moment Vanya wished she had them with her, instead of looking back every second just to see the untouchable way her brother was like.

Since they were kids, Five had been her favorite. He was the only one who had never pushed her away, the one he listened to, told her those childhood dreams about going to the future, to see themselves as grown-ups and out of that house. She had tried to convince him to stay, but every time the words ‘you’re not ready’ came out of her mouth, she regretted them immediately. They both had dreams, of different purposes, she wanted to be part of the family, to go on missions. He on the other hand wanted to travel through time, not even knowing where he would end up or what would happen to him. Their father loved to remind Five of the consequences of time travelling. It never seemed to scare the boy though, he liked challenges. Vanya was scared for him, afraid of what his powers could do to him. But she lost him. She felt even farther apart from the family without his company. His absence left a gap between them. She just wanted him back, leaving those sandwiches he always devoured with softness, and turning the lights on as a welcome for him to come home. Checking his bed every morning with the false hope that he would be there, that he had come back to them. That never happened.

Seeing him like this hurt her to the core. This was not the Five she knew. Even after regaining her memories, she knew this person, or at least the 13-year-old version of him. Not having much time to hang out with him after he came back. He had been an asshole then, and with her whole deal with Sissy and Harlan. And why hadn’t he told her she was the reason for the apocalypse? It just seemed so weird coming from someone who clearly cared little about others. She guessed she now understood that he was trying to protect her, clearly not working because of Luther.

Sissy had the power to calm her down, along with Harlan. Ever since they met having that kind and patient energy around her, welcoming her to their house with open arms just like she had welcomed into her life. Vanya longed for her touch, those small touches that went past by meaning a lot to her, holding her hand, her cheek, her lips on hers, like a soft flower brushing through her body. She just wanted them by her side, they were like a second family to her, Sissy had brought a happiness on her she didn’t even know was possible, one that she had not had since ever.

For now, she was alone with her family, on her way to the hospital, with a dying brother in the arms of another. The one that had tried so hard. Her concern and anxiety were just rising by the second, knowing that the image of a bloody Five was not leaving her mind soon. All she wanted was to hold her brother, just like she wished she had done the day he got back, but only that this time he wouldn’t be broken, that she could take his pain away and throw it in a dumpster where it would never bother him again. Wished they knew what was wrong with him. It looked something more severe than an internal bleeding; they had checked him around for injuries of some sort, something that would give them a clue as to what was happening to him, receiving a silent answer.

“Hey, sis. Calm down, a little, no?” Said the familiar voice of Klaus, who was eyeing her hands, which now had blue sound waves surrounding them.

Huh, when had that happened?

“Sorry.” She said the word that had almost become like a name to her, rolling out of her tongue easily. “I’m just stressed.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, it’s been a rough week for us.” Klaus laughed without humor. “First Benny Boy, now this? The universe must really hate us, doesn’t it?”

Vanya didn’t laugh. The memory of Ben disappearing in her arms coming to haunt her down, her brother only finding comfort in her touch as he slowly slipped away, painfully even. He was scared after all, and he had done it all to save her. Tears stung her eyes, Ben’s soft words bouncing on her mind, asking to be held for one last time, to remember what it was like. It wasn’t fair that they lost their brothers for the first time, only to lose them again just as quick as they came back. It was tearing her apart on the inside.

“I’m sorry, I know you were the last person to see him.” mentioned Klaus, his usually overly extrovert voice becoming a sad soft one, he rarely spoke like that.

“It’s ok.” It truly wasn’t.

She turned again to look at their brother, as hoping his state would magically change and he would start bossing them all around the place. Sadly, that didn’t happen.

“If he knew how you were staring at him, he would have already taken the eyes out of your body.” Klaus smiled. Probably remembering all the threats Five had said to him.

She couldn’t help but smile a little. “Yeah, he would.”

Klaus took her hand, squeezing it a little. “Vanny, he’s going to be okay, he’s still here with us, ok? The little prick never gives up that easily, you should know out of all people.”

“I know.” She squeezed back.

She just hoped they could get him help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked it!


	3. solitude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five wakes up in the apocalypse again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING* This chapter had triggering topics such as: light mentions of suicide, and description of dead bodies. Please read at your own risk. 
> 
> In case you don't want to read these, they start at "Breathing suddenly became too hard, tears forming in his eyes, threatening to fall down." and ends after "He quickly pushed those thoughts away, but ever so often they came back."  
> The other starts at "For the first time he truly stared at the outsides, the completely wrecked structure piling up against the too many corpses." and ends in "Hopefully if his mind allowed him he would sooner or later."
> 
> PLEASE TAKE CARE.

_solitude_

_sol-i-tood_

_noun_

_1\. the state of being or living alone_

\---

The darkness was cold. 

He was used to the cold, after all in the apocalypse it was always cold, so he had gotten quite used to it. But this cold was different, it was like the first weeks he spent in the dryland, clutching to whatever he was able to find that could keep him warm as if his life depended on it, which it did. It was difficult, since most of the stuff was burning, devoured by the flames that had ended the world. Little by little he had adapted, after all it wasn't as if he had another choice, soon enough he didn’t notice much of the cold. 

He shivered. 

The defeating darkness was starting to slowly banish, being replaced by a bright light that wanted to come through. His eyes were slowly getting used to the blinding light, not taking the outsides yet. The dark still clutching to the edges, not wanting to let go. He considered slipping into the nothingness again, like a child letting themselves be guided through a lullababy. Except that a deep carved anxiety came into the rising, making its presence known, so he wouldn't forget about it. He thought of it as ridiculous, anxiety mixed with strong dark coffee were his energy shots after all, it was not like he was going to forget about it easily. 

He let go of the blackness. 

Five instantly wished that the darkness came back. 

Instead of finding himself with his family, he was in the wasteland. 

The fucking apocalypse.

His senses started to scream at him, to jump, to get out of there immediately. What had happened? Why was he here? He had experience with flashbacks, he had gotten quite a few of them before, in the Commission and home. But this one felt different, it always took a little while to know that it wasn't real, other sounds coming through quickly and assuring him that he was somewhere else, no apocalypse to be seen by his own eyes. Instead this time no sounds other than the distressed flames came to save him, the one he had heard for so long, the silence almost threatening to his ears, as if listening to it any longer was going to blow his mind.

Had he failed? Had he been the only one to survive again? Had he jumped?

He closed his eyes with ferocity, wishing for his brain to snap out of it, to go back to his reality and see how he was going to save his siblings from the apocalypse…

Hadn’t he already done that? 

He searched through his memories, they had landed in 2019 after all, but everything after that was a blur of colors and voices, something had happened, he knew it had, the question of the what circling around his head, the drowning scream that only questioned but gave no answers settling itself again. He had to go back to whatever had happened. Even if it was stopping the apocalypse or even something bigger this time, he just had to be there. He had to help his siblings. A sudden chilly bad feeling running through his back, sending goosebumps all through his body.

After his eyes opened again and adjusted to his surroundings, the feeling of dread stood by his side as an unfriendly companion, latching onto his shoulder, not letting go. He blinked multiple times, it sometimes helped to ground him to their own world. Except this time it didn't help, he was still in the graveyard of a destroyed world. If he were standing, he was sure his legs would have given up on him, leading him straight to the floor in shock, just like the time he saw the destroyed academy for the first time. 

He couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. What the hell was happening to him? 

Five hated tons of things, his greatest one being the unknown, it was out of his control, it took so much longer to grasp onto his brain and even more to understand it completely before he mastered it. This was completely out of his limits, the flashback felt too real… way too real. His brain was behaving like the Handler, playing tricks on him that affected him on levels he couldn’t recognize.

A voice inside him made a suggestion of the possibility that maybe after all that hard work, they were back here, back to step one, to being stuck without anyone coming to his rescue. Maybe all those 45 years alone, the commission and coming home, were all a daydream, an illusion he created out of grief, the last flame of hope running out. The thought tormented him, fear creeping inside and slowly spreading over his body, taking control of it.

He feared for the truth, his eyes stung. He couldn't do this again. 

Because that meant he was alone.

_ALONE._

The thought was like a poison, he tried to scream for his siblings, with the lost hope that maybe one of them would hear them, no voice came out, ashes getting inside his mouth and making him cough, he held his arm just below his mouth and kept coughing up the toxic air.

It felt so real like it was all a video from the past he had gotten stuck in, reliving the memories from the past in person. Except not the happy one which gave you second hand embarrassment for all the weird shit that you did. It was the one that made you feel uneasy, as if something was lurking behind you, threatening to steal your life, and making you turn around, just to laugh at your silliness and moving on like nothing happened. 

Except this one was real. 

And he has no idea how to escape.

He stood up, not knowing where to go or what to do. His legs wouldn't listen to him, being stuck in the same place and refusing to move forward. Breathing suddenly became too hard, tears forming in his eyes, threatening to fall down. He wanted to drop on his knees again, to hold himself together and try to calm the fuck down. Nothing was going to get solved if he just gave up. An option that he had considered multiple times… the soft thought of the inevitable end coming for him, wrapping him up in the blanket of eternal darkness. It was comforting in a way. But he had to keep going, just to see them a last time, that their safety was secured. He quickly pushed those thoughts away, but ever so often they came back.

He forced his legs to move forward, an unknown weight coming along every step he made, making his steps slower, his body still couldn't believe he was here again, trapped like a rat in a maze without exit, only coming back to the start, going in circles, his moves an echo of the past. 

…

Time worked in an interesting way. 

Sometimes it moved too fast, nowhere near being able to catch up, other times it was too slow, giving little to no option of what to do with it. It was almost like the moon, even though it was always there, it was invisible to the eye, coming out on its time of need, and wearing its beautiful silver dress ready to shine. Only glamorous whenever others noticed it, they didn't stare at it long, as it was a normal thing, one that worked in mysterious ways and had no beginning, nothing out of the ordinary, even though there was no explanation for it. Like a guardian angel. The supposedly invisible beings watching over them, a special one for a single human, but people only paid attention to them in times of need, not even thanking them afterwards, not like they were expecting an acknowledgement. Time was like that, it moved with everyone in a natural way, being used to the invisibility, to be ignored, but only for people to beg for more when they already had enough. Never pleased.

It was both an enemy and an ally for Five. Thanks to his powers he could manipulate the untamed, he could travel through time as he wished, bending it in ways he knew shouldn't be possible, because time did not belong to him, even though it sometimes felt that way. So in order to repay him for damaging the timeline, it went against him, sending him to his worst nightmare, the apocalypse. Even at the age of thirteen Five wasn’t dumb, he knew this was a taste for his recklesness, except he didnt expect his punishment to last for too long. Even less for it all to be for nothing, all being a dream, a false hope of where he could be. What was fair about this?

If he messed with time, he knew he wasn't going to come unscratched. Time wasn't that kind. 

His legs mindlessly lead him to the academy, to home. _No,_ this had never been his home, he didn't have one, always jumping around one place to another, he called it home because all of his life he had grown up in there. A place with his father in it was definitely not home, it would never be. Maybe when he thought he was back with his siblings, it could have become one, for now it was only a pile of dust and broken concrete pieces. A building which was once filled with the voices of children, now hollow with the screams of death. 

He stood in place, suddenly not knowing how to move, how to breathe. _Was this normal? Was this how it felt like when your dreams and hopes were taken from you?_

An unannounced tear rolled down his cheek, feeling hot against the contact. Five brought his dirty hand to wipe it away, seeing it clear the dust of his hand, leaving its mark around his finger, a clear spot. He thought it was stupid, why was he crying like a child when instead he should be working and focusing on surviving. Nothing mattered anymore, even if he was able to see them… this time for real. No tricks, no dreams, no illusions. 

Even if the illusions hadn't been the perfect way for them to reunite, he would take it in a heartbeat, because then he was sure they were safe at least, that they had worked together to stop the apocalypse, as a family. All except for Ben... but together again, he just needed them alive. 

But they were just that.

Dreams.

Who said they would become real? No one did. Even Five, the manipulator of time, didn't have all the answers of the future, because actions change everything, even the simple insignificant ones matter. That’s why decisions are so scary, because of the way it can go and the way it could have gone, all taking different strings of paths, creating a different road, but at the end one can only choose one, and few times are able to hop onto another one. But at the end no one knows the finale line, so it’s a risk.

Because of the future, Five wasn't sure if he could do it all again, go through the apocalypse once more, because that meant that everyday was uncertain, some days better than others, but mostly bad. In his dream there were times he would starve, get sick, no one else around to take care of him, he had to fend for himself, he felt bad for himself, but deep down there was a feeling that told him he deserved it, it was his own fault after all that he was stuck here, no one else. Vanya and Ben had tried to stop him multiple times, talking about how Five didnt know what could happen, that he had to wait. He wished he had listened. The problem is that he liked to go to his limit, testing himself, he was impatient, he was well aware of that, but it wasn't something he could control, it just sort of happened, it was his nature. Maybe if he stopped to listen to others instead of himself, he wouldn't be in this situation. 

For now he could only work his way out of there and hope for the best. 

All he did was survive.

He wanted to live for once.

…

Five subcounsciously avoided the place he had found his siblings, dream or not he didn't want to see their lifeless bodies, he couldn't do it again, the first time it had been too much. Now it would only remind him of his failure, the false hope he desperately wished was true every passing second, even when he had lost them multiple times on it too. But at least then he was able to save them. Not this time, he could only bury them. He prefered to wait, not quite prepared to see them again, not like this. 

Instead he walked to the library, where in the past he had made it someplace to call home, even when it didn't feel like it at all, instead it was more of a burden, a place to remind him of his punishment, of his failure, of his ambitions that lead to what would become his worst nightmare. He internally hated the place. But sadly it was the best location. 

The Boy looked around the place, his expression turned to one of grief and sorrow. Unshed tears laid on his eyes like dew on a leaf after the heavy rain, eventually they were going to fall, not knowing when.

Five never liked to feel vulnerable, it reminded him of those times when Reginald looked more like a threat than a father, eyeing him with that fucking monocle that he wanted to grab in his hand only to feel the glass break under his skin, the blood a reminder of his gained authority. The old man always felt superior to them, they all knew that. He had fucked them up as children, training with him was never a pleasure, it was as if being trapped in a cage with a lion, one that wasn't going to let you out once you surrendered and ate you whole, leaving only bones and a blood bath smeared all over the place. He was a monster. A predator waiting to attack at the right time. Five could bet he was now laughing at him, even when he had never seen even the ghost of a smile in his face. 

How absurd had he been?

Fucking fantasies that he had, only leading him to shit. 

He felt the need to scream, he wanted to scream at the world for doing this to him. What the hell had he done to deserve this? He knew he wasn’t the best person, but at least he did some good, wasn't that enough? After all, there was no good or bad, it was just people existing trying too hard in life. Those pathetic movies got it all wrong.

It just seemed unfair. Why him? He was decent enough not to wish this upon anyone, but why did it have to be him? 

He had brought this upon himself. 

The rage he felt wasn't directed to the world, it was to him. 

He hated that.

He sighed. It's not like he could do much at the moment, he could try and find some food, or maybe even start to make the place comfortable to sleep in, after all he was going to be here for a long time. He just didn't have the energy to, an empty feeling in his chest, almost like a hollow swallowing him whole.

So instead he found a piece of block that looked good enough to sit in, once he sat he didn't move for what seemed like hours, maybe it had been just a few minutes, Five didn’t know and didn't care. What he needed at the moment was to relax, the shock had been too much to him, his mind had gone too fast, the adrenaline had now faded into nothingness and he felt empty. Too tired. 

For the first time he truly stared at the outsides, the completely wrecked structure piling up against the too many corpses. An acid accumulated into his mouth, he had gotten used to seeing bodies as a child, after all the missions were not rainbows and flowers, he had seen death before, it wasn't something surprising or shocking to him. Even in the dream he had seen the scene before him multiple times. Only it felt like so long ago it was more distant, like dust vanishing in the air. 

But now seeing them again, it was like a childhood memory coming back. There was a child around the children’s book section, she had red hair that blended with the puddle of blood that surrounded her. Her eyes were open, not even reacting to the ashes that fell upon them, staring lifeless to the sky, looking for the life that was no longer hers. She was too pale, she looked cold. No shiver came from her, not even a breath. She had died young, only beginning to understand how the world worked. She was alone, no adult in sight. Five’s mind conjured the girl screaming for her parents as her impending doom came upon here, only having herself as a console, or maybe she had not known at all that she was taking her last breaths, thinking about the wonders of the next page of whatever book she was reading. It would have been fast, and that worked as a bit of comfort, because she hadn't felt pain at all. Hopefully. He wished so.

The thought of Claire laid upon him, how her niece had probably gone through the same, he knew for a fact that Allison hadn't been there when it happened. He wished her father at least had been, that she was calm when it happened, that it had been like she was sleeping. He never got to meet her. Hopefully if his mind allowed him he would sooner or later.

The ashes fell lighter, the wonder of them was that they were like snow, it made them almost beautiful to look at. 

Almost. 

Five looked up at the sky, the dusk already making its way in, the sun saying it's goodbye for the day. He sighed, the nights were always the hardest. It was when everything was dark and the monsters came out. He had to fight them again. 

He stood up, deciding that he was going to make his way to the department store to look for some clothes to keep him warm.

“Five?” 

He stopped in his tracks. He would recognize that voice everywhere. How couldn't he? When it was all he had for that time without a light. She had always been there at his side. 

There she was, smiling upon him like he was the world.

Dolores.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to upload the next chapter, school and writers block got in the way. This chapter is unedited btw but ill make sure to edit it later. Hope you guys enjoyed and that it wasnt too angsty.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that wasn't too boring, I kinda got carried away talking about his trauma.


End file.
